JNKYRD

I have found myself in quite the love... tetrahedron? Trianlge is too simple. Here's the story:

I have this group of friends, we'll call them all K, C, R, and V for the sake of anonymity. K is the son of my mom's friend, and V and C are his friends. R is my friend. There are some more people but for now these are the people relevent to the story. SO last night I hung out with K and C. It was nothing crazy, just "bippin" as they like to say. At one point R called and asked me to put K and C on the phone. I did and they both blushed when she talked to them. Whenever she gets drunk, R likes to flirt with K and cuddle up on him. He texts her every couple of days and she has never once responded. So she really is just teasing him but its all in good humor. She has done that every time we have hung out with "the guys". I always assumed from the beginning that K wanted her. After we hung up I asked what they thought of R. They both said that she was cool, and K asked if she had a boyfriend. I told him no and asked if he wanted me to put him on. He said yes, but his tone and body language was very hesitant. I figured he was just nervous or maybe thought I was pressuring him. Anyways, they left shortly after. Then K asks me to call him and I do, thinking that he may have left something behind.

He answers the phone and tells me something along the lines of "I dont want to make things weird, but I didn't mean it when I said I wanted you to put me on R. I'm more into you. R is cool and all like as a friend, but I feel like I can vibe better with you, like I can picture us together."

jaw DROP. this is a major plot twist. I had no idea what to say, i was just so caught off guard by the whole thing. I basically just said "thats cool!" He asked me to just keep him in mind and I said I would. I had never even considered the possibilty because not only are our moms friends, but we were all pretty sure that he was all about R. Maybe he was messing with me?? But he is very kind and chill, I dont really think he would do that. Maybe he only wants me because I actually respond when he texts me most of the time lol. It gets messier. Whole time I thought K was feeling R, I was feeling V- K's friend.

but wait - it gets even MORE messy. I've had this friend J who I've known for a while. We actually met online and he lives over an hour away. We may or may not have been flirting back and forth for a couple weeks. We also may or may not have hooked up today. Am i a bad person? I feel like im leading both K and J on because I really don't want a relationship with either of them, and i will NOT have sex with someone outside of a relationship. No judgement to those who do, that's just not for me. If anything, J is more attractive, but K is more fun. V is the guy I'm most interested in but I don't think he's even an option right now. IDK, it's all so confusing. I've literally never had this kind of problem before.

As fall approaches, so do my Back-To-School nightmares. I've had them every summer for years, especially as we draw nearer to the school year. They usually consist of me being late, getting lost, walking into the wrong classes, or forgetting my shoes? Last night in my dream I was like 40 minutes or an hour late on the first day. This year is much different, however, since I'm starting my first year at community college.

Despite the usual nervous jitters I am actually pretty excited! I will be majoring in Marine Sciences. For my first semester I get to take Intro to Marine Biology. I can't even describe how excited I am. We have to build and maintain a saltwater tank. Maybe I'll put some clownfish in mine. Next year I will take Wet Feild Ecology and Microbiology, which I'm also really looking forward to. Aside from marine biology, I love learning about fungi and genetics.

I think my anxiety is stemming from the fact that I still feel completely unprepared. I have an orientation on the 14th, where i will have to ask a lotttt of questions. Where do we get our books? what books do I even need? How does the billing work? Did all of my credits transfer? I also need to fix my scheduale a little bit. And find where all of my classes actually are. Thinking about it makes me nervous. But I am glad to be finished with the application process and actually enrolled. Wish me luck

i just want to make something clear: being mixed does not deminish your identity. Me being Latina doesn't make me less white, and me being white doesn't make me less latina. I'm tired of people constantly telling me that I'm not a "real latina" because I am half white. My paternal grandmother was born and raised in Uruguay and came to America when she was only 16 years old. That makes me second generation. My mom and stepdad are both white, specifically italian. I am no longer in contact with my paternal side and live with my mom and stepdad full time. It's seems like they sometimes forget that despite being their child, I am still latina. That will always be a part of me. When I do show pride and try to embrace my culture, my stepdad will say something that makes it seem like im not "latino enough". I would understand if I was like 1/4 Uruguayan but im not, im 50/50.

That being said, I will never deny that I am white. People seem to forget that latinos and hispanics are not all one color, or that mixed people exist at all. It would probably be more harmful for me to deny my whiteness, because I am aware that when someone looks at me they may not automatically assume that I am latina. I am aware that I have white privillage. Not all hispanics and latinos do. Especially with the recent crack down on immigration, it is nearly impossible to ignore the racial profiling and discrimination that has been going on in our country. Latinos of darker complexions are being targetted more heavily, regardless of immigration status. I am privilaged to not have to worry about this personally, as my whole family is legal and has white skin.

Im just really tired of people acting like that entire part of me doesn't exist or "doesn't count". Especially coming from my own friends and family. Im curious to hear what other people's thoughts are on this, specifically coming from other mixed or hispanic people.

.....